STDs Are for Ugly People
by Gangster Dog
Summary: In which SEME is a total whore, UKE is adorable, and Sex. Ed. is never taught. Never. Seriously, SEME has sex with a ridiculous amount of people. SEME x UKE


_If this story miffs or angers you in any way, I didn't write it, okay? Alright._

_This is a parody, so please don't get up in arms if your story resembles this. Many authors are such great writers, much better then I am, but they turn to the same craptastic storyline _far _too much._

**A/N: Now that I have finished my obligatory skin-saving, let me just continue to do so by saying that I have nothing against yaoi, but most yaoi (and really just most) fics on this site are... the slightest bit unenlightened. Now, in the words of Monty Python, "**_**GET ON WITH IT!"**_

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**_**STDs Are for Ugly People**

**There's a Shit-ton Amount of Shades of Blue**

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**_I fuck a lot of people, _thought Riku/Roxas/Axel/Zexion/Xemnas/a FF7 or 8 Character. Never Sora, though. No, he was far too innocent and uke. You know this, of course, I'm sure you've read fanfiction before.

Excuse me while I hastily fix the fourth wall.

Now, the reason for such a thought was rather obvious, seeing as [THE SEME] made sweet lov- no, "fucked" at least one person every night. Both sexes of course.

Ah, but sex meant nothing to the angsting [WHOEVER THE AUTHOR THINKS IS MOST BISHONEN (Hmm... lets go with "Axel" for this one) ]. "Axel" just played with everyone for fun, and all his little sex-toys always ended up storming out of his house. (I keep having a recurring dream about that, by the way.)

Seriously, he was starting to wonder why his reputation wasn't trashed. You'd think people looking for a relationship would politely decline the sex-fiend waggling his eyebrows at them.

"Axel" was also seriously wondering if no one ever had AIDS or something. _No, self, remember the cannon-raping, fic-whore mantra: "STDs are for ugly people." _

Carrying on with the story, Axel didn't want all of this sex. Err, he seduced tons of people anyway, but oh no, he didn't want any of it. All he wanted was for someone to _looooove _him. Yes, he wanted love with **four extra frikkin "o's"!**

But alas, he just couldn't seem to find someone who caught his attention. Life was so unbelievably cruel to him, because... um... rape? Abuse? Stuff... yeah? Insert traumatic event designed for sympathy here?

Yes, life was cruel to him, which is why he emotionally crippled about half of his school with rejection.

Oh wait, did he not mention? Axel's in high school. Yes, he didn't even have a war-borne depression with years of no kind human contact or a life filled with the emptiness of cold-blooded killing to explain away his sexual deviancy. He just likes sex, err, no, he dislikes sex... he umm... yes.

Somehow, everyone on the face of the earth wants to have sex with him. Jesus, Axel's like fucking Ramses or something.

And then, one day, Axel saw HIM.

No, not the band, but that can be included if this is going to turn into a songfic. (Don't worry, its not)

Axel saw, well, most likely Roxas if this fic stars Axel.

He took a mental breath, because he would really need it.

Roxas had smooth, spiky hair that looked soft to the touch. It was an angelic blond color, and it looked both dirty and bright. Roxas had an angelic glow, a urethral (Author snerks here) light that just seemed to shine out of his eyes. And _OH GOD HIS EYES. _Axel was going to literally orgasm at the mere glance of those airforce, Alice, azure, baby, de France, bondi, brandeis, Cambridge, Carolina, ceil, cerulean, cobalt, Columbia, cornflower, cyan, dark, deep, sky, denim, dodger, duke, Egyptian, electric, eton, federal, glaucous, han, iceberg, indigo, iris, light, majorelle, maya, midnight, navy, non-photo, palatinate, periwinkle, Persian, powder, Prussian, royal, sapphire, sky, steel, teal, tiffany, tufts, ultramarine ___blue_!

That was like, every shade of blue at once! How does that even _happen_!?

And so, on that fateful day, Roxas caught Axel's interest, and apparently, Axel fell in love at first sight. Well, in Axel's defense, he was (abused/ignored/raped/emotionally stunted/all of the above) to add another dimension. Yeah.

**A/N: Oh God, what will happen next! Will Roxas love Axel anyway, because he's dangerous and sexy?! Of course he will, silly, what else could happen.**


End file.
